Great Ways To Be Miserable.

I have finally come to the conclusion that some people like to be miserable, that they actually feel happier when they are miserable. I’m sure that is an oxymoron, but I am guessing you know the kind of people I mean.

I like to think that I align with people’s belief systems rather than trying to change them, so I thought it was remiss of me not to offer advice to those folk that think wallowing in self-pity and gloom makes for a great day out.

Of course I understand that this doesn’t apply to you, but if you know somebody who likes to work on feeling bad about things, please feel free to help them out by passing on these handy tips on. If you’re ready to step it up in the misery stakes I’m ready to help so get that frown in place, have a quick grumble about the Government, complain about the state of the property market, mutter that kids today have got no respect, then let’s get on with the business in hand.

Tim Brownson is a friend of a friend, he's a qualified English born Life Coach, NLP Master Practitioner and Hypnotherapist. He is now based just outside Orlando, Florida but coaches people all over the US and UK. His time is split between telephone and face-to-face coaching helping people fulfill their potential and get more out of life. I find his views very entertaining - sit yourself down with a strong cup of Ringtons, an iced finger and enjoy.....

Always whine and complain about stuff that is out of your control. Great examples are the weather, other people’s actions and the housing market. Don’t ever miss an opportunity to remind people that life is much worse and much harder than they think it is. Then drive home your point by giving them a long list of examples of stuff that is wrong with the world and why it was better during the depression/war/60’s* (* delete where applicable).

Keep up to date on celebrity culture. We all know that celebrities lead charmed, perfect lives. They don’t ever get sick; they have lots of money and are all perfectly balanced human beings. Read up on them, yearn to be them and above all idolize them as the gods they are. Never forget that your life is a meaningless travesty compared to theirs.

Judge others. Don’t listen to people that say you can’t judge a book by a cover. You haven’t got time to read books so how else are you supposed to make up your mind than glancing at the cover? If they are fat then they eat too much, if they smoke they are stupid and if they are out of work then it’s obvious they’re lazy. Soldiers, surgeons and athletes have to make rapid decisions so why not you?

Keep updated on local news. Make sure you know who has murdered whom and more importantly, which drug-crazed lunatic is on the rampage in your neighborhood. Don’t go to bed feeling cheerful when you can watch stories about the worsening economy, rising crime rates and foot tapping politicians hanging around in public bathrooms.

Eat junk food, drink lots of beer and never exercise. Fresh fruit and vegetables are for wusses that are scared to eat a triple pounder deluxe with extra bacon and 62 different kinds of cheese. Those same wusses probably can’t knock back 10 beers a night and an 18″ pizza. A good diet and exercise can help you feel good mentally and look good physically. Who needs that I ask you? Stick to your guns and ignore those fitness fascists like the plague. After all, if you get fit you have to stay fit and that requires time, time that you need to watch TV.

Watch more TV. If you are watching 8 hours per day that’s not enough, edge it up a bit. Aim for a diet of reality TV, local news, soap operas and anything that humiliates people. Avoid programmes that are remotely informative like the plague, so documentary's and anything on the BBC 2 is right out.

Catastrophize. You haven’t had a bad day at work you’ve had a nightmare. You haven’t been sick you have been violently sick. You haven’t got a tough boss; you’ve got the boss from hell. Get the message? If something is worth feeling bad about then it’s worth feeling really, really bad about. Never use expressions like “It’s not so bad” or “There was a silver lining” They will only serve to lessen the impact of negative events and we need to ramp them up. When you get really skilled at this you can slip phrases like “I was violently sick and my boss from hell made my day an absolutely nightmare” into any conversation with aplomb.

Play the lottery. You know you’ll never have much money as things are; so base your future plans on the 1 in 100 million possibility that you can win the big one. If you normally spend £5 per week don’t forget to increase that to £25 when there is a rollover. Let’s face it, you’d struggle to cope on the £3m that is the weekly prize, you really need that £42m mega rollover. Unfortunately for you though, there are part-time players that can’t cope with the normal prize either and jump on your bandwagon when the pot gets that big. In such cases you need to buy lots more tickets. This can be a double-whammy for misery seekers everywhere if you keep a log of what you spent. At the end of the year, add it all up and ponder what you could have bought with the £1000 or so you wasted. Better still; ask a financial expert how much that money would have worth been in 10 years time if invested properly.

Consolidate your debts. Don’t have 3 or 4 small debts here there and everywhere paying 8% on each, get one huge debt and pay 15%. It makes sense, you haven’t got time to manage 3 or 4 debts, Jerry Springer is on! When you’ve signed up for the consolidation asks your friend the financial adviser how much extra interest you’ll be paying over the next 62 years. Make sure you’re sat down with a large brandy, some smelling salts and a defibrillator to hand when he answers you.

Hopefully now you know some great ways to make you even more miserable than you were before, good luck with your endeavors. I guess some people reading this would prefer to be happy and for those sorry souls I suppose you could do just the opposite. The choice is yours !

Yours Grumblingly,

Mr Jackson.